Nintendo's Old Spice
by Dalektopia
Summary: Various Nintendo characters doing an Old Spice commercial, just for the laughs. You can suggest other characters in the comments if you wish.
1. Ganondorf

**Ganondorf**

Ladies, take a good look at your man.  
Then back to me.  
Then back to your man.  
And now back to me.  
Unfortunately, he is a weak mass of blubbering flesh that would be easily trampled under the Triforce of Power in which I hold.  
Look down, now up, where are you?  
You're now encased in a pink crystal chamber as my prisoner as you beg for your man to rescue you.  
Look at your hand.  
It is the Triforce of Wisdom that you hold and that I want.  
Look back at your hand.  
Now the Triforce of Wisdom is mine!  
So without the Triforce at your side, you are powerless to stop me, along with your man, who could try and stop me.  
But if you have some Light Arrows and some kind of Biggoron Sword then your man can try and kill me.  
I'm in a tower.


	2. Bowser

**Bowser**

Hello, princesses!  
Look at your plumber.  
Then back to me.  
Now back to your plumber.  
Now back to me.  
Sadly, your fat Italian mushroom sniffing dipwad can never be a strong, awesome, powerful Koopa such as me.  
Look down, now up.  
Where are you?  
You're in my castle, suspended three stories above a boiling river of lava.  
Now look at your hand.  
It has a ring that I put on you when you were sleeping.  
Look back, now we have seven Koopalings together!  
So, your Italian plumber can never be as successful as me now can he?  
But with my awesomeness he can try and be like me, but epically fail.  
I got shrooms.


	3. Ridley

**Ridley**

Hey Samus!  
Look at your life.  
Now back to mine.  
Now back to yours…  
AND now back to mine.  
Sadly, I kinda ruined your life by killing your parents and invading your home colony and destroying it…  
But you always manage to kill me off in the end.  
Look down, now up.  
Where are you?  
You're in Norfair, boiling in a pool of 9000 degree magma while Kraid is eating everything in the fridge.  
Look at your hand…the one without the arm cannon.  
It's a Power Bomb that you used to blow up most of Zebes getting to me.  
Look back.  
The Bomb's already going to asplode!  
So with all these things that I've told you, you can only do one thing right now.  
You can run now…no way you can save an entire planet from blowing up again.  
My theme is epic when you're running.


	4. Ghirahim

**Ghirahim**

Hello, boy.  
Look at your sword.  
Now back to mine.  
Now back to your sword.  
And now…back to mine.  
Sadly, your sword is not as long as mine…but I can help.  
Look down, now up.  
I seem to have disappeared without a single trace while you look for me all around you.  
Now look at your hand.  
Oh wait, you can't because I'm holding it.  
Look back at your other hand.  
Oh, don't go touching there, Hero.  
So now I can resume beating you within an inch of your miserable life; not because I can, but because I want to.  
So with all these things said and done, I can assure you that you can never be a better fighter than I, the Demon Lord Ghirahim.  
I'm fabulous.


	5. Link

Link

Hello, Fangirls.  
Look at this yaoi pairing.  
Then back to me.  
Then look at that other yaoi pairing.  
Now back to me.  
Sadly, I'M BEING FUCKING PAIRED WITH EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN THE GAME I'M IN!  
Now look down…and up, where am I?!  
FUCK, WHY AM I WITH FRIGGING GANONDORF?!  
Now look at your hand.  
It's a picture…a STRAIGHT picture of me and Zelda.  
Now look back.  
FFFFFFUUUUUUUUU! It's turned into ME AND PIPIT?! YOU SERIOUS?!  
So in all, with all these yaoi pairings going around, I can only say that I am STRAIGHT.  
But if you have some Rupees, then I may change my mind. *wink wink*  
I have a Master Sword.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE!  
I have nothing against yaoi. Personally, I like it. Link just gets paired up too often. Like give the guy a break. He has kids with Pipit/Pit/Marth/Ike/Anju/Dark Link to feed. ;)**


	6. Majora

**Majora**

Heyyo, girls. My name's Majora.  
Now look at your man.  
Now back to me.  
And back to him.  
AND now back to me!  
LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT IT! THE GODDESSES MADE A BOY PROTECT ALL OF TERMINA FROM ME?!  
Anyways, he's a pathetic excuse for a hero if he doesn't have a mask like me.  
Look down, now up.  
Where are you?  
I actually have no clue because this is where the Timeline kinda splits in two.  
Look at your hand.  
It's a mask that Happy Mask Salesman got for you!  
Look back.  
OH, it's gone because Skull Kid took it. (P.S, it', my mask!)  
Now with all this, you can kinda say that I'm a tad crazy but hey. I'm a mask. What do you mortals care?  
I'm moonwalking.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE  
I also had an alternate ending...it went like:**

**Now with all this, I'll just suck you up to the moon and make you try and fight me while I transform into three different forms, and the music behind me is really creepy and wrong while I moonwalk to it.  
Oh look, I have tentacles.**


	7. Luigi

**Luigi**

Hey-a, Princess! It's-a me! Luigi!  
Look at-a your man.  
Then-a back to me.  
Now back at-a your man.  
And-a now to me!  
Sadly, your-a man isn't as-a tall, handsome and-a fantastic as-a Luigi!  
But in-a the end, he's still got the-a most games.  
Look down. Now-a up.  
Where are you?  
You're-a standing in my love roo-er I-a mean my-a humble abode.  
Look at-a your hand.  
It's those-a two tickets you really-a wanted but Mario never gave to you.  
Look-a back.  
It's-a marriage ring!  
Now with your-a genius level intellect, quick wits and-a fantastic body you can-a say that I'm the better rescuer.  
Please love me?


End file.
